For Mother's Day I Want...

From: Mom

for mother's day i want: three good children.  just kidding.  i would like shoes by the otz brand, a pair in viola.  i always try to make life easier for you.  thank me later. mom

CUT YOUR HAIR!

From: Mom

a nag, yes.  but also a loving and wise fashionologist: your hair needs a trim.  

your hair is now taller than you are. you're starting to resemble cousin it.  your ends are pleading for their last rites.  it's time to get your hair healthy.  you could trim six inches off and still have hair that you can trip over.   

(just sayin')

Kegels

From: Mom
To: Wendy


Remember, if you want to avoid having the surgery I just had, do your kegels. And don't lift a lot of heavy stuff.

xoxo Mom

Mitch McConnell: A Mother's Hatred

To: Me
From: Mom

i just wanted to say something.  we were talking about mitch mcconnell, the republican from kentucky who is the senate minority leader, and who has said the republicans' goal is to defeat obama.  that's what he said; that is the goal.  not a focus on less war or more  jobs, or anything specific that would help the american people, but simply to defeat obama. i get sick when i look at mitch mcconnell.  i just know he has bad breath.

Emails From My (Vietnamese) Mother

This is an email my Vietnamese mother sent me---she resides in Vietnam most of the year.-- (@SammiRutschman)

To: Sammi
From: Mom


Dear all my beautiful lady.

I am better, the pain in all of my one leg is extreme but if I take pain pill I am ok.

We have a good help now on working at the house and keep the tree and plant great.

The person is 19 year old. When he about 5 year old he have an accident and lost all he man hook [manhood] he dont have the male thing and he at like girl.

But super clean and good cook and work great. and he a mountain man only a few of them they call them Cham. 

It about midnight here I take the medicine that help my nerves so I not sleep much. and very tired.

I do love all of you and hardly waiting to see you. 

Mom

So You're Single on Valentine's Day: A Reminder From My Mom

The V-Day cards and gifts have arrived!  

"Dont you just love this? You can comb her hair, Chloe!"

And for my 27-year old brother, a walking penguin and a card... 

5 Minutes Late...

To: Mom

From: RG

How was the doctor?  What did he say?

From: Mom

To: RG

When we got there, the lady at the desk told us "well, you're 5 minutes late, so you should just go right up and pay after" and rolled her eyes.  I couldn't believe it...5 minutes late for us is the equivalent of being 20 minutes early.  

No Sound on This Computer?

From: Mom

i have no sound on this computer. is there a way to get sound? when i tab onto that speaker logo, like on u tube, it doesn't work. is it possible there is no sound on this computer or am i missing something? (please answer with kindness.)

BEST OF: Mom Flips Out Over Lost Suede Jacket

From: Mom
Subject: important
To: SJ

where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them off, wouldn't ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor. WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit. mom

All of our 'BEST OF' EMAILS are HERE!

Mom on 'Alana Del Ray' Video

From: Megan
I made a funny video thing! 
You can watch it here: (Shit Lana Del Ray Says)
I hope you like it!
It's dumb. It's sooooo dumb.

From: Mom
To: Megan

Hi Megan,  Thanks for sending your video link. We always enjoy watching you. We had to research Alana del Ray (found out her real name is Lizzie Grant). Are you going to put it on youtube? Then you can see how many hits it gets, right? You are beautiful even when you're portraying a "dizzie broad." We love you, Mom & Dad

BURNING MAN

To: Family

From: LJ

i love THIS! anyone wanna go to burning man?

To: Family
From: Dad

I think I may be smoldering right now.  Do you have to camp out and are there bugs? 

Tiny White Bowl That Sat Next to Tiny And Serious Chinese Man is Missing

From: Mom

To: Me

you asked me to describe the tiny white bowl that i've been looking for, for about a week now.  i can't think of any new way to describe it.  i'm thinking if you find a tiny white bowl, you won't be asking yourself if this is the one i'm referring to.   it's about the diameter of a quarter.

 

i always kept it on the shelf in the bathroom, on top of the little rock where that tiny and serious chinese man is sitting with folded legs.  don't mock me.  i think the tiny and serious chinese man was originally an ornament for a bonsai plant we couldn't keep alive.  i have no idea where the tiny white bowl came from, but it just looked right, sitting beside the tiny and serious chinese man. 

 

so please let me know if you find it.

 

mom

Germs

From: JS
To: Mom


FYI, I sneezed on the blanket on the couch by accident. dunno if u wanted to wash it or not.  Also, the remotes may or may not be covered in germs. 

From: Mom

To: JS

oh, don't be silly.  why would i want to wash the blanket that now has your wet flu germs all over it?

 

does it please you to be disgusting?  this is right up there with your brother saying he doesn't believe in bacteria.

Four-Year-Old Puppet Makes Art

From: Me

To: Family

THIS is ridiculous.

From: Dad

I’m pretty sure it’s not a 4 year old but a puppet… and the parents are probably artists (con artists) and the paint was photoshopped.  This art video is weirder than the republican debates.

A Bunch of Crap?

From Mom:

To: Family

I saw this quote today from Mother Teresa:

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotton that we belong to each other."

My wish: nobody's rolling their eyes and saying "what a bunch of crap."