Emails From My Mother

So You're Single on Valentine's Day: A Reminder From My Mom

2012-02-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

The V-Day cards and gifts have arrived! "Dont you just love this? You can comb her hair, Chloe!" And for my 27-year old brother, a walking penguin and a card...

No Sound on This Computer?

2012-02-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

From: Mom i have no sound on this computer. is there a way to get sound? when i tab onto that speaker logo, like on u tube, it doesn't work. is it possible there is no sound on this computer or am i missing something? (please answer with kindness.)

BEST OF: Mom Flips Out Over Lost Suede Jacket

2012-02-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

From: Mom Subject: important To: SJ where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them

Mom on 'Alana Del Ray' Video

2012-01-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

From: Megan I made a funny video thing! You can watch it here: (Shit Lana Del Ray Says) I hope you like it! It's dumb. It's sooooo dumb. From: Mom To: Megan Hi Megan, Thanks for sending your video link. We always enjoy watching you. We had to research Alana del Ray (found out her real name is Lizzie Grant). Are you going to put it on youtube? Then you can see how many hits it gets, right?

BURNING MAN

2012-01-24T17:29:00.001-08:00

To: FamilyFrom: LJ i love THIS! anyone wanna go to burning man? To: Family From: Dad I think I may be smoldering right now. Do you have to camp out and are there bugs?

Tiny White Bowl That Sat Next to Tiny And Serious Chinese Man is Missing

2012-01-19T01:28:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: Me you asked me to describe the tiny white bowl that i've been looking for, for about a week now. i can't think of any new way to describe it. i'm thinking if you find a tiny white bowl, you won't be asking yourself if this is the one i'm referring to. it's about the diameter of a quarter. i always kept it on the shelf in the bathroom, on top of the little rock where that tiny

Germs

2012-01-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

From: JS To: Mom FYI, I sneezed on the blanket on the couch by accident. dunno if u wanted to wash it or not. Also, the remotes may or may not be covered in germs. From: MomTo: JS oh, don't be silly. why would i want to wash the blanket that now has your wet flu germs all over it? does it please you to be disgusting? this is right up there with your brother saying he doesn't believe in

Four-Year-Old Puppet Makes Art

2012-01-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

From: MeTo: Family THIS is ridiculous. From: Dad I’m pretty sure it’s not a 4 year old but a puppet… and the parents are probably artists (con artists) and the paint was photoshopped. This art video is weirder than the republican debates.

A Bunch of Crap?

2011-11-17T23:34:00.001-08:00

From Mom:To: Family I saw this quote today from Mother Teresa: "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotton that we belong to each other." My wish: nobody's rolling their eyes and saying "what a bunch of crap."

VOICEMAIL FROM DAD

2011-11-15T02:14:00.001-08:00

Lesbihonest, Aunt Alice Was A Lesbian

2011-11-04T01:17:00.001-07:00

From: JJ To: The Fam I thought I might see Aunt Alice on THIS list. From: SJ too lazy to open the link. is it top 10 lesbians or something? From: Mom okay. let's get the record straight. my beloved aunt alice (RIP) was NOT a lesbian. though there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. though my aunt alice may have thought something would be wrong with being a lesbian. but she would

Pro-Date, Pro-Occupy!

2011-11-02T03:41:00.000-07:00

To: Dad From: CJ Read the articles below on dates. They should be an official staple of our shopping lists from now on! To: CJ From: Dad I am pro-date (tho not eharmony.com), pro-fig, and pro-Occupy everything!

You Go Girl!

2011-10-31T02:14:00.000-07:00

[In response to me winning a costume contest dressed as Amy Winehouse]: To: Demi From: Mom Go girl. you saw it, believed it and you did it!

VOICEMAIL: "you're starting to look like a dyke"

2011-10-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

See the entire "BEST OF' collection HERE.

Onesies For The Family

2011-10-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

From: JJ To: Family Thoughts on THIS? i think we should buy matching pjs for the fam and wear them on christmas morning. From: Dad To: Family Do they come in XXXXXL? From: Mom To: Family I think it's a groovy idea. does everyone want this as their Chanukah gift?

I Want To Know....

2011-08-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

From: Mom To: Megan Who's the date with? Is it the perverted guy that you and E were checking out at home?Where are you going? Did the guy come to work on your loft bed - is he your date?...Is your roommate all moved in and where are you sleeping? How are things going with your roommate? Did you hang the mirror and do you have a room divider up yet?...I want to know... Love , Yo Momma

PERFUME ADVISORY

2011-08-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

just wanted to send along another advisory about perfume. to reiterate: THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS TO SMELL NICE. THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS NOT TO DROWN OUT EVERY OTHER SURROUNDING SCENT (NOR TO COVER UP POOR PERSONAL HYGIENE ISSUES). AND ALSO IT SHOULDN'T CAUSE ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH THE WEARER TO SUDDENLY FEEL EXTREME DIZZINESS OR THE ONSET OF A SEVERE

What Happened on The Bachelorette?

2011-07-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

From: Mom To: Me What happened on The Bachelorette? I'm sure I could google it but I'd rather hear it from you. From: Me To: Mom Ames got "kicked off." She just didn't feel a strong enough connection with him. Her feelings for J.P. are growing stronger. Fiji next week! From: Mom To: Me Is Ames the nice guy with the big forehead?

Kerfuffle?

2011-07-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

From: Mom To: Sage KERFUFFLE! that's the word i keep hearing and never heard before lately.

And the Dentist Nags Continue...

2011-07-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

To: Family From: Mom there are three people in dad's office that go to a dentist in newton that they all love. we are all due for dental checkups so i wondered if we should try to set up some appointments. (only problem is the three people in dad's office who see this dentist are beautiful women, so i'm not sure if you have to be a beautiful woman to see him, in which case dad would be the

ETSY BOWLS, GIMME GIMME GIMME

2011-07-05T21:40:00.001-07:00

From: Mom To: Sage i want my etsy bowls! i want my etsy bowls!

Centipede Leaves a Note

2011-06-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

To: Mom fyi the pillow on the floor in the livingroom probably has a dead centipede under it. i saw ANOTHER one and it was the only thing in reach. afraid to move it in case centipede is still alive. ewww ewww ewww From: Mom dad lifted the pillow. no centipede was there. but he left a note. said he is hurt that you have not made him feel welcome in your home. and that it was his home

< 3

2011-05-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

Me:first you have to type a < then 3 and it looks like a heart. kind of. Dad (on g chat): ♥ ??? Me: nice! Dad: How the fuck did it turn over and turn red???

(NEW!) BEST OF: Do Not Post About Your Boobs on Facebook

2011-05-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: LS You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday, and/or trying to make contacts in Europe with adults who might employ you. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on facebook. I'm

The Trash Goddess

2011-05-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

From: Dad To: Landlord CC: Family In response to your email about recyclables, where does the glass go? From: Landlord To: Dad Glass, plastic and metal cans all go together. From: Mom To: Dad i know i have been away for a while. but excuse me. i am the trash goddess. in the future, please direct all your trash and recycle queries to ME. it's a matter of respect. From:

Mother/Daughter Chat Syllabus

2011-03-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

From: Mom To: Me my little munchkin, when are we going to have a lovely mother/daughter chat? after seeing grandma tonight, i'm having dinner with ellen so could we have a lovely mother/daughter chat tomorrow? topics to be covered: the importance of condoms the importance of sobriety the importance of voting the importance of taking a shower the importance of not dressing like a slut the

Lean Cuisines

2011-03-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

From: Mom To: Family Subject: don't eat lean cuisine's spaghetti and meatball dinner for those of you who still eat lean cuisine, their spaghetti and meatball dinner has been recalled.

Funemployment

2011-03-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

From: DadTo: SJSubject: ADP shows 217,000 private-sector jobs added in Feb. Good time to hit the market...things are picking up. From: SJTo: Dad Thanks DAD. WORK IS ON THE WAY!!! although I just got my first response back from an employer. They are from Africa and want me to give them my social security and $150 for a credit report before they interview me :/ From: DadTo: SJ I like your

GET THIS FUCKING CAT OFF MY HEAD

2011-02-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

so i had this dream last night. i was alone in this office and this woman comes in with her kids. i thought she must've been the boss' wife, though she didn't say so. there was a large porcelain orange cat right where they came in, and one of her kids started freaking out. i said, "it's not real, it's not real." then the mom said the same thing to reassure the kid and he calmed down. but then a

Keep the Faith, Baby

2011-01-17T23:30:00.000-08:00

This is mostly just really sweet. Especially my Dad's response! From: Mom To: The Family i know you all think i'm psycho about this kind of stuff, but this site is honest and real, and it helps people and non-people in need. (if you all weren't so jaded, you'd know it's true.) go to the place where you "click", not to the "store." every day there is a heartwarming story. check out

Chinese Mothers

2011-01-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

From JP to EFMM: My dad sent this email about this tyrannic Chinese mother without any context, followed by the message below. From: Dad To: JP & Hil Subject: Chinese Mothers _____________________________________________________ Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior CAN A REGIMEN OF NO PLAYDATES, NO TV, NO COMPUTER GAMES AND HOURS OF MUSIC PRACTICE CREATE HAPPY KIDS? AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY

My Classic Momism

2011-01-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

To: PeterFrom: MomDreading this afternoon's wedding a wee bit. However, I'm trying to take the advice I always gave you kids. In case you have forgotten, it is to always anticipate with hope the unexpected. I'll let you know how it goes.Hugs,MomTo: MomFrom: PeterMom. Nice thought, but, in case you have forgotten, you have never once said that to either of us. I hope you enjoyed the wedding!Hugs,

Pre-Cleaning Lady Clean...?

2010-12-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

From: Momso some people might say, "cut them some slack. you were away for a long time; they did the best they could."i say, ENOUGH WITH THE SLACK-CUTTING. YOU TWO ARE PIGS. the people from the cleaning service are coming tomorrow. i went into your bathroom, not to make it spotless, but to remove enough filth so i would have a shot of them coming back. the bathtub had so much hair in it. it

TV For Hanukah?

2010-11-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: Jaredgood morning!missed talking to you yesterday, hope all is well.anyway, i want to know if you want a tv for hanukah. i am looking around for them and want to make sure thats what you would like. i want to buy it for you if thats what you want. please let me know.happy Harry Potter movie day!xoxox

Never Complain About Your Job Again

2010-09-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

From: DadTo: FamilySubject: Never complain about your job againI will never complain about my job ever again.I will never complain about my job ever again. I will never complain about my job ever again.From: SJRe: So cleaning up shit is as bad as it gets?From: DadRe: Actually, I cleaned toilets at Polaroid after I graduated and it wasn't that bad. I think the message is about appreciating what

PARTY PLANS: FAIL

2010-08-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: MeSteven's film is coming out in August!From: MeTo: MomNo idea who you're talking about LOLFrom: MomTo: Meoh that's right you never met him. the other kids met him at the wedding. that was the time you posted a party invitation for our old house on facebook when you thought the rest of us would be in north carolina at the wedding but we found out about your plans and dad ended up

Text From Mom

2010-08-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

hi i need phone number for my friend marion if you r home thnx btw lol wtf

THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS CHRONICLES

2010-08-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Mei love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.mom.From: MomTo: Mei will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are

Floppy Disc

2010-08-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Kidshas anyone seen the floppy disc labeled "Winter Speech"From: MomTo: KidsHELLO???????? ANYBODY????????From: JJTo: MomSorry, I didn't respond because I thought that was a joke. Last time I saw a floppy disc I was eating baby food. So no, I haven't seen your FLOPPY DISC. From: Momfloppy disc, compact disc YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. i need it ASAP. From: MomTHANK YOU ALL FOR

Affirmations From Dad

2010-08-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

From: JJTo: Familyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPObkCBl-FsENJOY!From: DadI like my kids. I like my soulmate. I like my remote control. I'm done.That was fun kneee.

The Lies of Facebook

2010-08-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

To: MomWhy did you delete your Facebook? Did it have anything to do with your account getting HACKED yesterday?From: Momi just can't put up with the intrusions and lies that come with facebook. get out of my face, facebook.

Urgent: Centipede Crisis

2010-07-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

To: MomI saw a centipede last night. URGENT: we NEED to contact landlord for exterminator ASAP. From: Momdavid (landlord) email is: xxxxxx@gmail.comhe's very nice. all hippies are.good luck with your centipede witch hunt.love,mumz

YOU WON'T GET IT UNTIL IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS

2010-07-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Kidsi was thinking, since jolie is coming in for the wedding, and since sage won't be covered for dental insurance (or medical insurance) when he turns 26, and since chloe hasn't been to the dentist in a few months, why don't the three of you make an appt to see barry in august?this is a good idea. listen to your mutha.From: SageChloe add this to the blogFrom: Momit's not that my

Happy Birthday, Iggy Pop

2010-07-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

Mom: here's a good one; yesterday I was sitting at a light on Lee Hwy and an older man rolled down his window and asked if I could give him directions to get to North CarolinaI guess he thinks its a short drive Nick: haha, you just stay on route 29, it goes all the way down to jacksonville floridaMom: he's probably still driving saying; how long did that lady say we had to go until we got there?

She Had a Baby...

2010-07-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

From: JJTo: MomBrittany B had a baby! From: MomTo: JJreally? is she married and all that? i'm thinking she's 25. that doesn't seem THAT young. what did she have and what did she name it? did you find out through facebook or did she call you as soon as she gave birth?

Dad's TV Pitches

2010-07-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

Note: I asked my Dad to think of some ideas of skits for my cable access show.From: DadTo: MeTwacebook…a new social media tool that's better than facebook and better than twitter…it's where people sit next to each other and talk. Fig triva- The host asks the tough fig questions...contestants have to hold up a fig if they know the answerhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_fig

Bloody Mom

2010-06-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Barrie fyi my sinuses are bleeding

MGMT

2010-06-21T23:04:00.001-07:00

From: MomTo: Nikkihi nikki...i was watching david letterman and MGMT performed tonight... do they always wear capes?

Mom's Review of True Blood

2010-06-14T20:14:00.001-07:00

To: JJFrom: MomDid you see True Blood last night? What a bunch of soft-core porn.

Lie-Lo

2010-06-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

To: MeFrom: DadWhere do you want to go out for dinner tonight? P.S. Li-Lo (or as I call her, Lie-Lo, because she's a liar) is a real idiot.

VOICEMAIL: FROM GRANDMA

2010-06-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Too Much Perfume

2010-06-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

To: MeFrom: Momyesterday as you were leaving for a night out, it reminded me that i wanted to offer some suggestions about perfume-wearing.the scent of perfume should be sensual, soft, and mesmerizing.if you've applied perfume to your body, you should NOT wish for people in your vicinity to: become faint or disoriented, have a seizure, vomit, or develop a severe migraine.thank me later.love,mum

Peeps In The Entertainment Biz...

2010-05-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

From: JJTo: DadCheck out this article on the "Emerson Mafia"...From: DadTo: JJCool article - I thought it was interesting that Herzog said if people make the effort to track him down he'll talk to them. Peeps in the entertainment biz like people who are aggressive so don’t be afraid to keep calling and emailing the mafia connections.

Thought For the Day

2010-05-19T17:05:00.001-07:00

From: MomTo: MiaSubject: thought for the dayGood morning, Dear Daughter – Always remember to moisturize your neck! Lots of love -- Mommie

Always My Favorite Shopping Assistant

2010-04-30T22:26:00.001-07:00

From: MomTo: Mei want to help you go shopping for your trip to israel. i think a pair of jeans is a good staple to have with you. find out what the weather is like in may. you might need to bring some unslutty shorts. also, start breaking into those new sandals by walking around with them in socks. love you

A Reminder To My Daughter Abroad

2010-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: LisaSpring in Southern France! Have a fling!

Subject:

2010-04-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

Note: "kids"=Mom is a 1st grade teacher...From: MomTo: MiaSubject: When I eat tuna sandwiches and talk to my kids, they back off; I feel bad and apologize for my tuna breath.

She Got Her WHAT?

2010-04-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: KristenSo Aunt Maria texts me this morning...Yesterday Kristina got her period for the first time. Maria happened to be on the phone with Uncle John at the time. So Kristina called her from the bathroom and told her what happened, and Maria told John. He says, "WHAT! SHE GOT HER WHAT!?" Then, "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO." And hung up. Maria was hysterically

Spring Cleaning!!!!!!!

2010-04-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: FamilySubject: FUN DAY!!!!!!dear family,tomorrow (saturday) is the day we all have to do our part, to contribute 100$, i mean 100%, to get our home ready and in spit-spot shape.we can have pizza and sing camp songs all day! we will work together all day long and have group hugs every hour on the hour.who's on board?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!love,momalso, there may be a raffle. or i

FWD:

2010-04-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

My mom forwarded this to me via email. I have no idea WHO these people are or where Bradford Rd. is, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know an Edie, making this a FWD of a FWD and completely useless. Thanks Mom!From: MomSubject: FWD: lock your cars and keep valuable insideThe handbag of my friend on Bradford Road was stolen from her unlocked car last night. Also, Justin found evidence that

For the Fridge

2010-04-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: JJi think i already asked you for a photo of you and jeff. i would like a LOVELY photo (not like your xmas card disaster). i need it for the fridge.thanks.

Christmas Trees & Salad Forks

2010-04-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Me1. it's april. passover is done with. are you okay if we take the fake christmas tree down now?2. why do we keep losing salad forks? we're now missing about six of them. any thoughts about where they might be?mom

You Are PERFECT!

2010-04-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

From: JJTo: Mom and DadI made this picture...(attached)From: MomTo: JJits perfect. do dad and i have creative kids or what. momFrom: DadTo: JJYou rock JJ! Let the creativity flow...

Good Student Discount

2010-04-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

To: AnnaFrom: Mom[Facebook wall post]Amica Insurance just called and told me that we're getting a refund check for the "Good Student Discount"...Ironically it's 1/1000 of your tuition...

Scallops For Dinner?

2010-04-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: LizHeyI have a Dr's appt at 5:30. He wouldn't give me drugs for the plane unless I came in. So Hopefully I shouldn't be long. I was thinking of scallops for dinner. Dad won't be home until 8:30. what do you think? Text me so I know to buy the scallops. Have a good rest of the day. Love you.Mom

A Package Sent 3,000 Miles

2010-04-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

A PB & J and $10[Submitted by Elizabeth]

Why We Never Helped You

2010-04-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

To: Mom, DadFrom: JJ[LINK]THAT'S the reason we never helped you, Mom! We weren't "trained" to help you. We never did the dishes, swept or mopped the floor, cleaned, made our beds, etc. But, we did mow the lawn, and we did wash and clean the car(s) and we always helped dad shred paper at work, and did the groceries whenever he asked. You probably should have bought this one instead:[LINK]At least

HAPPY EASTER (TEXT)

2010-04-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Mom: THE EASTER BUNNY HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU.[Submitted by Elizabeth]

Mandals: Man Sandals!

2010-03-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Note: My mom and I once got lunch and sat on the deck to watch people walk by. After a couple of margaritas, she noticed a guy wearing sandals with socks and started to complain about fashion today. I informed her that sandals worn by men are referred to as "mandals" and she laughed for ten minutes.To: AnnaFrom: MomTell your mandal wearing friends about this. http://arthritis.about.com/od/foot/a/

(Untitled)

2010-03-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

To: AlexFrom: Momhisitting at computer emailing

Nag-O-Meter

2010-03-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

From: JJTo: MomI'm hungry, make me something to eat!!!From: JJTo: MeMake it yourself. I've also erased the "nag-o-meter" that you drew on the dry -erase board downstairs. Not funny.

Today is Respect Life Sunday

2010-03-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Note: Cody is my stuffed dog from when I was 8. My mom likes to personify him as an ideal child, usually for the purpose of harassing us to go to church.From Mom: Today is Respect Life Sunday. Cody has been to Mass & Communion & is in one of the human life chains nationwide defending & protesting outside abortion clinics. Coday LOVES God too much to let him down! Loving, Loyal Cody![Submitted

I'll Stick My Head in the Oven

2010-03-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

From my sister: Does mom ever threaten you with sticking her head in the oven if you don't reply to her text messages or is that just my pleasure to receive?From Mom: Go ahead, ignore me. I'll go stick my head in the oven...& i'm sick, too! Hope you spill your mushroom soup! & there were PRINCESSES on your spaghettios!...e-mailing Santa --mommy.[Submitted by Liz]

BEST OF: "You're Starting to Look Like a Dyke."

2010-03-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

From: MomTo: Beth SEE THE ENTIRE BEST OF COLLECTION HERE.

A Little Update From Mom

2010-03-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

To: EliFrom: MomHi! It is always so fun to hear from you. Dad and I went to the Blue Cow for breakfast and then to Waterton Canyon for a long hike. We saw a bald eagle and a ton of pronghorn sheep. It is beautiful today...61 degrees in town and we saw 85 bikes just on Deer Creek.Tonight the Hiester's are coming for dinner. Patrick turns 55 next Thursday. We were going to celebrate with 5 tapas

Dad + Snoop + Rihanna

2010-03-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

me: do you know who snoop dogg is?dad: yeahh shizzle my nizzle...that's snoop doggme: do you know who rihanna is? mom didn't.dad: she got beaten up by her boyfriend chris.me: wow, mom didnt know who she was.dad: she doesn't know what fergolicious means either. she thinks black eyed peas is a vegetable.[Submitted By JJ]

Youtube?

2010-03-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

From: Momjust saw your little piece on you tube. or is it u tube. or is itleave me alone, i'm old.the POINT is, it was just so fabulous. love love love it.mumz

My Mom & The Beatles, 1965

2010-03-03T22:54:00.000-08:00

Facebook comment to Mom: Remember when you went to the Beatles concert and held up a sign that said "How about a little slap and tickle"? Mom: no, it was, "hey, fab four, how about a little slap and tickle?" it was a huge sign. on a huge sheet and we glued tons of sparkle on every letter. we brought it to the beatles concert (1965) and we planned to hold it up real high. because surely the

How Mom Wants to "Defrost" Frozen Shoulder

2010-02-26T15:36:00.002-08:00

To: SageFrom: MomSubject: you promisedto help me put a nadine photo on my facebook home page.to continue watching twin peaks with me on your computer that you hoard.listen, mr. bigshot real estate mogul, i wouldn't want to resort to guilt because that's not what i'm all about. but as you know, i do have a frozen shoulder and that can easily lead to frozen torso, frozen legs, and frozen brain. i

21st Birthday

2010-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

To: MaxFrom: MomPlan on getting a phone call from me on your BIRTHDAY. Have a great weekend. Nothing stupid. Turning 21 is not a right-of-passage. It's just, unfortunately, another year older...and then older...and older. Until YOU'RE 57. Then you lose track of how old you are. (I honestly do.)Will never forget the mad, scrunched-up punim on your face when you were born. You were SO

Tiger Woods

2010-02-20T18:13:00.000-08:00

MeI'm sorry...MomYou're like Tiger Woods. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

2010-02-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: AnnaDad is going to get some baseball equipment from Andrew in Hingham for the kids in the Dominican Republic. I told him to tell Andrew that you're ~single~ again...what a nice young man.

x0x0, your 'retarded' mother

2010-02-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: Jonjonny, so sorry....i'm such a RETARD (as sarah palin doesn't want me to say).....when i received your email it gives me a choice to open as a pdf file or a 'web page'......and i was clicking on the web page which really makes it lookweird.....so problem solved. much love from your technologically challenged mother. x0x0

My Dad Is Too Cool For School...and the M2 Lounge.

2010-02-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

From: DadTo: Me From: FacebookTo: DadSean invited you to "PEACEMARKET 2010"Event: PEACEMARKET 2010 What: BenefitStart time: March 10 at 7:00pm Where: M2 LoungeShould I go? I thought PeaceMarket 2009 was disappointing. Plus the M2 louge is so 2008.

BEST OF: WE'RE NOT A FILL UP STATION

2010-02-09T19:26:00.001-08:00

Check out the "BEST OF" EFMM, HERE!From: MomTo: MeSubject: running on emptyhey, pals.we're not a fill-up station. quit leaving the car in the driveway that's completely out of gas, and driving away with the one that's full.if it's very low, please put at least SOME gas in the car before returning it to us.

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY: Text From Dad

2010-02-07T15:52:00.000-08:00

From: DadTo: JJme: Who r we routing for?Dad: New orleans saintsme: Cuz of Kim Kardashian?Dad: Bc of Katriname: That doesn't seem like a good enough reasonDad: tis 4 me

Nadine/Please Don't Submit This to EFMM

2010-02-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: Sagecan you help me? i want to have nadine's photo on my facebook page.i have no idea how to do that.(please don't submit this to "emails from my mother". for god's sake, i can't say or write ANYTHING anymore that's not being posted somewhere. i hate this century. i swear, i'm going to sue all of ya.)mum(Note. *Nadine=Twin Peaks)

Save Yourself the Trip Upstairs, Mom...

2010-02-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

This is in response to me asking my mom to "keep me company," to which she responded "sorry, I'm watching a three-hour Office marathon." Keep in mind that I live at home, right upstairs from my mom's computer room.From: MomTo: Mei didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Some Motherly Advice

2010-02-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: STYou really have the mouth of a sailor. And pick the clothes up off of your floor, you look like you live in a crack den.

Marshmallow Shooter

2010-01-28T16:34:00.000-08:00

From: MomSubject: your recent purchasesyou received your marshmallow shooter in the mail today. i'm glad to see you're having fun living at home and all, but seeing as you are jobless and have been for the past 5 months, maybe you should lay off on the more excessive purchases? something to think about. on another note, do you want to scare the shit out of dad when he comes home from work

A Little Mom Jingle

2010-01-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

From: Momso we were sitting at the table earlier this evening and i don't know what made me remember this song we used to sing when i was about ten: whistle while you work hitler was a jerk mussolini bit his peenie now it doesn't work. i'm thinking you're thinking i made this up, but my old friends from new york will back me up on this. (they better). love,mom.

Brain Drain

2010-01-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

From: MomTo: OrsonWhat was the name of the movie where the middle age woman in Miami was addicted to speed.....I have a brain drain-mom

[Texts] With Dad

2010-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

Dad: Will you be home for dinner?Me: No but save me some for when I get home.(a few hours later)Me: We went out for dinner actually but I'll take mine for lunch tomorrow.Dad: Drop dead. This is not a take out joint.Dad: We are doing 7 sea food courses for x-mas eve. Sweet!!!!!!!Me: Whaaat?Dad: If you were here for dinner you'd know what we were talking about.[Submitted by NK]

Post-Election Thoughts From Mom

2010-01-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

From: MomSubject: Coakleymay wFrom: MomSubject: Coakeythe computer cut me off before i was finished. i'm sure a republican caused it. what i was about to say is, may we always keep our eyes on the prize.love, mom

Is Princess Okay?: Mom Shows Concern for Kim Kardashian's Chihuahua

2010-01-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

My mom and I are guilty of watching "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" every Sunday. We sit through the entire hour-long program together, making unnecessary comments throughout as if the Kardashians can hear us. (For example) "Scott is such a pig."--My mom. In last week's episode, Kim happened to stumble upon a stray chihuahua, who ended up needing emergency surgery. ___________________________

Texts From DMB Concert

2010-01-17T22:55:00.000-08:00

Dad: 6 songs in to Dave Matthews. Your mom is smokin up with the kids.{submitted by NK}

A Good Old-Fashioned LETTER From Mom

2010-01-14T23:42:00.000-08:00

Note from Sue:I was 19 years old (1974ish) and a sophomore in college, and while enjoying some beers at Johnny's Big Red Grill, I made a plan to go sky diving with some friends. Since I was under 21, I needed a note from my mother. I called my mother on a land-line, and she sent me the following letter: To Whom It May Concern:I will allow my daughter, Susan, to go sky diving, however, I do not

"who made this? stupid."

2010-01-02T01:14:00.000-08:00

From: MOMTo: RTHello my lovely daughter,This is mommy. Look what I lerned! Do not forget to call ur (your sister taught me the internet language) brother. i was trying to tell you something but then you said you had to go and you hung up on me. I was going to tell you to not go outside. it is cold and wet. if you do go outside make sure you put a scarf around your face so the cold air does not

Dunkin Donuts is Hiring...

2009-12-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

From: MomI know you'll find it as an insult, with your college degree and all, and as disappointing as it is, you need to lower your standards right now. YOU NEED A JOB. I've been looking on Craigslist...here is an option. Please consider it and don't get mad. http://cnj.craigslist.org/fbh/1512578388.html love, mommy[AD: Dunkin Donuts (Middlesex county)Dunkin donut in different locations in

2009-12-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

Emails From YOUR mother!!!Please send submissions (emails, VOICEMAILS, tweets, texts, etc) to emailsfrommymother@gmail.com.All names, email addresses, and personal information will be omitted for posting. Credit will be given on a first-name basis unless you ask to remain anonymous. If you have any other concerns with sharing your post, please express them with your submission, and they will be